rocks in riots

how random could it be that after so many months, if not years, i managed to open up my blog and finally typing something into it. with the tv watching itself in the living room, my landlord screaming on the phone in the next room and with me sipping a glass a milk in my own.

how long has it been since i dwell into my own thoughts? been long, been very very long. i didnt allow myself to wander deep into my mind lately. and with the medication i am on, it's an easy thing to do. all i could think about these days is simpler stuff. dont they say simpler thought often equates happier thoughts?

i guess it took one ordeal after another to make you scarred permanently. i didnt die from all those events, for sure. but i could never say they did not affect me. to feel u dont deserve love anymore then to get it only to have it ripped apart a mere two months after was simply too much to handle. i dun think i'd ever be the same.

on some days when i am lagging behind the supposed dose, i would sit and question myself. is this who i am? is this what i have become? memories seem so distant. thoughts are sparse and dreams become nightmares i dare not recall.

it all seems peculiar when at times i feel like i am separating myself from myself. to be able to somehow look at myself from the outside looking in, questioning the feelings i feel, pondering the certain actions i am taking or about to take, and to cancel/abort/abandon them altogether.

i am not sure if this is who i want to be nor if this is something good. but i am enjoying the this period of nonchalance. i dont have to be affected by anything. i dont have to feel sad for everything. and most importantly, i dont find myself weeping for what could be when obviously it has never been.

till another random moment where probably i wont feel the need to write in circle or speaking in a lingo noone could understand but me.

1st-May-2009 03:54 am - not for me

it's not for me either. it's over at the most ironic way possible.

i just want to be alone for a while.let me be alone for a while. dont ask. i wont tell.

24th-Mar-2009 10:22 pm - to the temple of zoloft and back

I once said that I would only update my journal when I have felt genuinely happy, when I could finally write about happy things and when I could finally put the past behind me.

It has been 83 days since my last new year entry. In a wonderful, extremely unexpected twist of events, I have (cautiously) landed in a new place where I no longer feel that my life is a complete waste. Things are finally looking bright. It is as if the dark clouds have cleared and the gloomy days are gone. After what I have been through the past year, all these are pretty surprising. And I couldn't exactly put into words how the past hellish months seem so distant...

Vivid yet vague, at the back of my mind, I recalled dashing thru the streets at 1am with cab, frantically searching for deme and frenzily texting at the same time. I remembered sitting on the pavement of Marina Square at 2am feeling lost and confused and disoriented. I remembered hailing a cab back at 3am, empty handed and pathetically lied that I had lost my house keys, desperately hoping for some sympathy - which of course I never received.

I could still recalled how I used to console myself that he'll be back, that we'll put the one mistake I made behind us. I remembered checking my phone every 5 minutes till i got sick of it.

I remembered Steve telling me how he has finally joined the 'dating agency'. The paranoia cut like a sharp knife, being so afraid it was for hook-ups (it's a 'dating agency', after all), feeling betrayed as I remembered how much he pretended to hate it (why change your mind now?), and the fact that the extorbitant membership fee was much better used for his education (didn't we agree that your education is the most important thing?).

The anger and frustation then kicked in. I recalled how the next day I went to the doctor downstairs, telling him how much stress i was experiencing and how I wanted everything to end. I really did then. I wanted it all to go away. And he, without hesitance, prescribed me a wonder pill they call 'ZOLOFT'.

My journey with 'ZOLOFT" wasn't an easy one. Stomach cramps the first week. Persistent dry mouths the first two. In the next weeks, I felt like I was walking through clouds, that I was floating. At times I had difficulties in remembering what I ate the day before, or what I just did. I couldn't recall if I had changed some settings at work or was it someone else.

And the clouds seemed to move in even more, permanently. I began not to care. I spent the next months living carefree, almost carelessly. At times I looked into the mirror not recognizing myself but not caring about it.

I spoke a lot about being happy - without knowing the reason of why I was happy. The last month I was on full dosage, I felt like I have been completely zombified. Nothing could hurt me. Nothing could bother me. I was so fine I was beginning to think I was crazy yet I couldn't feel bothered by it.

If it even makes sense, I was bothered because I was incapable to bother about anything. If having emotions is a human trait, does being emotionless mean one is no longer human?

But life is an irony and God has a perfectly peculiar sense of humor. At the time when I wasn't expecting, the time when I have told myself I should just settle for fuck-and-go, life + God decided to treat me so kindly: I met wii.

While the circumstances aren't all perfect, we have agreed to make full use of the little time we had. He understands the fact that I am still on anti-depressant. I see this as an opportunity to taper off. Thought it has not been easy...

I am certainly moving ahead. With 'ZOLOFT' slowly washing away, I begin to 'feel' again. All the jittery feelings about relationship and where it is heading, all the emotions embattled. It's all coming back - familiar, almost unrecognizably human..

But nonetheless it's humanity and I am ready to embrace humanity again.

1st-Jan-2009 11:49 pm - 2009

I have told myself to not post anything until i feel like i could write about something happy. but i figured, the first day of the year shouldn't be let passed without any remark.

oh well, it's the new year and every new year people will come up with resolutions they normally could not keep. this year, my one and only resolution is to be happy.

just that. i want to be just happy for a while..

3rd-Oct-2008 11:11 pm - untitled

let this entry be untitled because that's probably what i am feeling now.

i cant feel anything but a deep pierce in my heart. it's not an unfamiliar feeling, but it's not something i could get used to either.

it hurts just as much as the first cut.

i asked myself if it's worth it and if i should treat myself this way again and again and again..

but isnt love supposed to be simple? the person u love first and then u.. ?

2nd-Oct-2008 09:28 pm - the genting rollercoaster

it was a whirlwind of emotions these past 3 days. it began with a very high note the nite before i went on my trip, spiralling up so high, swivelling down and up and down so many times..

to only let me hit the low again tonite.

very little i could understand. but should i still be seeking answers after so long?

there's only so much rollercoaster of emotions i could take..

22nd-Sep-2008 09:33 pm - falling

think am falling sick.

is it because of the regime?
or simply because i am thinking too much?

either way, i wonder if u'd know that i am unwell? and if u do, would u care?

well, probably not.

21st-Sep-2008 11:30 am - yishun avenue

when i get to yishun avenue
meet me by the station of the tube
we can talk things over a little a while
but promise me dont say u hate me again..

when i get to yishun avenue
please drop the past tense with you
dont think i'm okay just because i'm here
u hurt me bad, but i wont shed a tear..

am leaving u for the last time, baby..
u think u're loving but u dont love me
i beg of u, out of my mind, lately..
u think u love me but u dont love me
baby u hurt me

when i get to yishun avenue
could we spend an hour, or maybe two
our only chance to speak once more
i show u my answer, now there's the door

when i get to yishun avenue
i'll tell u baby what i went thru...

am leaving u for the last time, baby..
u think u're loving but u dont love me
i beg of u, out of my mind, lately..
u think u love me but u dont love me
baby u hurt me

all the days spent together, i wish for better
but i didnt want the train to come
now it's departed, am broken hearted
still feels like we never parted

all those days spent apart, i wish for better
and i really didnt want the train to come..

u think u love me but u dont love me
i want to be free, baby u hurt me

dont love me.. baby u hurt me..

20th-Sep-2008 04:44 pm - the last message

after last nite, i think i have done everything i could have done. of coz whatever i did doesnt diminish the only thing i shouldnt have done. but i couldnt undo that, can i? it's not easy for me. i am hurt too. my feelings for u r still strong. but everytime i try to touch u, it hurts both of us. if u think u want me back again, u know what to do. this will be the last u heard from me. i love u. and i am sorry.

19th-Sep-2008 07:24 pm - if u think it's easy for me

it's not.

it's not easy for me. it's not easy for me. it's not easy for me. it's not easy for me. it's not easy for me. it's not easy for me.

as much as i hurt ur feeling. as much as u have feelings. as much as u r not made of stone.

i have feelings too. i am not made of stone either. i am spiralling out of control everytime i send u those sms-es too.

do u know my hours revolve around checking my phones for just a little alphabets of reply?

but u wont understand. but u wont see it from my point of view. because u r the victim, u have the upperhand. granted. i grant u that. and u want to continue being just that.

so i continue being pathetic.

till maybe one day, maybe one day i will stop writing about this and i will stop faking that i have found the strength to break away. and i would just stop.

stop being me.
stop giving u or anybody else the privilege of walking all over me.

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